What I'm Loving Wednesdays

I have decided to join Jaime over at this kind of love in the What I'm Loving Wednesdays linky party.  Here goes:

I live for SYTYCD!
I love all things Adam Levine, but this song is the bomb!
I love this dress from Rockabilly Revival!

I love this book study!

What are you loving this Wednesday?

Link up here:


Just Thinking....

I am sitting here thinking about the time I have left with Jessica and of course, I cry.......  Now that she is going away with her friend for 10 days in July, that gives me 10 less, so NOT fair.
She did spend the evening with her ex-ex-boyfriend who is home from college for the summer.  I guess there is no better way to forget about the boy who just broke your heart by spending time with the first boy who broke your heart, lol.  Oh, to be a teenager.....
I'm going back to thinking......

The Day We Waited For Has Come, I Wish It Never Came.....

When my niece Emma was a baby, we all knew there was something different, no something special, about her.  All babies are special, but Emma had a way of entering your heart the minute you saw her and she never left that space.  As she grew older, that special ed teacher in me, knew, I just knew.  My own children knew, even my husband who never met anyone like her before, had questions.  My sister denied it all, but I know she knew.  Time passed, Emma grew more special each day.  She was placed in a co-teaching special ed Pre-K class and spent kindergarten in a resource class.  Diagnosis:  Developmentally and Speech Delayed.
Yesterday, the final report from the psychologist was placed in my sister's hands and the moment that I have waited for the past 6 years was here.  Diagnosis:  High Probability of Autism.  Nothing in my mind changed, Emma is the same little girl today that she was yesterday, and that is that.
My sister, however, cried for the very first time today.  No, I think she actually mourned the loss of the daughter she thought she might have, in order to make room for the daughter she has now.  I tried to reason with her, I tried to be the big sister for her, I tried.............. She only spoke about her failure as a mother, how Emma will never go to college, Emma will never fall in love, and the one that cut me to the core:  what happens if her, her husband, and Emma's brother die, who will take care of Emma?  I tried to stop this spiral from growing, but she needed to do this, she needed to voice these thoughts and tomorrow I will try to reason with her, again.  And if that doesn't work, I will keep trying.  Emma needs us, my sister needs us.... God will give us the strength we need.  God will guide us and God will be there for Emma when nobody else can.

Emma's Project

Emma is ready for her recital.

Is a Summer Trip Necessary?

As if it wasn't enough that I would be trying to deal with Jessica leaving in August for college.... Now she has decided to take a trip with her best friend for 10 days in July!  I am trying to be the big girl here and help her plan this trip, but inside, I am slowly and surely dying.  Why does her friend have to have a birthday?  I know, it is kind of irrational, but I am a mommy who is trying to avoid a mental breakdown.  I just don't know how to deal with this, but I will, I pretty much have no choice.

Orientation Woes

We are home from college orientation and I have such mixed feelings.  It was exciting and heartwarming to see Jessica open up to all that is being offered to her.  I now see the adult I have helped nourish and encourage these past few months.  She really didn't need me for much and although it does hurt my heart, it also fills it up with a love that gave me butterflies.

I sit here, filled with information overload, and not feeling better about the money situation or about her leaving, but I have now placed it all in His hands.  He has to provide for her because we just don't have the means, that has become very clear after these past 2 days listening to the fees add up.  I am completely disheartened in our government and the financial woes it places on hard working loyal Americans when it comes to college costs.

I have the rest of the summer to get Jessica ready, to help her spread her wings even more, to comfort Julianne as she realizes her sister is truly leaving, and to cry the endless tears that I will continue to cry until I am completely dried up.

The bottom line:  orientation scared the hell out of me!  I didn't show the fear, but I did cry when they talked to the parents about letting go.  Julianne laughed at me, but she said lots of moms behind me were also crying, so I wasn't alone.  I took a step forward these past 2 days, but I fear I also fell 3 steps behind.....

Friday Facts

Connecticut and Rhode Island never ratified the 18th Amendment (Prohibition).

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I'll Love You Tomorrow

Graduation is tomorrow.  I don't know what else to write, as I cry with each tap of the keyboard.  All I can say is just stay tuned to see if I made it through Jessica's big day in one piece.

Letter From Freshman You

Four years ago when Jessica was a freshman, her English teacher had them write a letter to their senior selves.  She was given that letter today......

Needless to say, we have spent the last 2 hours in tears.  I am talking sobbing, bawling tears.  Julianne, Jessica, and I in the quiet of her room......  All is quiet now, as Jessica has gone to her last senior sleep over at her best friends and Julianne has gone to watch the Heat game with her friends.  My husband doesn't even know what has transpired because he has been asleep during the entire ordeal.

I have relived the tears twice so far, once to read the letter to my sister and again when I read it to my mother.  The pit in my stomach won't go away and I just want to crawl up into a ball and keep crying.

Oh how will I get through the summer knowing that she will be leaving.....

Jessica's Senior Award Night