On Losing Grandma

Grandma is gone.  There are no words to express how I feel, but I can hold on to her by sharing some of her life here on my little blog.  Grandma was born in 1920 and from the first day of her life, she fought to be heard.  It was ironic that in the past few years, her hearing was failing.  We would laugh and say she didn't have to hear what we have to say anyway, it was always her way and that was it.  She would go against the norm in every way and spoke her mind, no matter what.  She beat uterine cancer and within this past month, she survived a fall and hip surgery.  She passed away and fought till the end, but this was a fight where God would win and we would have to let her go.
She was the last of her generation.  My mother's generation is now in charge of our family and my poor mom doesn't even know how to fill the void that is left by her mommy.  The truth behind why my grandma is no longer with us will eventually come out, so I ask for your continued prayers because we have a long road of fighting ahead of us.  It seems that grandma is still fighting through us and we will try to win this one for her.  Her death will not be in vain.
I said a few words at the cemetery, so I leave you with my thoughts.

My dear grandma,

I can't believe you are gone.

As much as I prepared for this day, 

I thought you would live forever.

You fought so hard for everything.

I wish you had won this last fight.

You were a woman before her time and your legacy

lives on through the grandchildren and

great grandchildren you have left behind.  We will

try to take over where you left off, but nobody 

will ever fill your determined shoes.

I love you today, tomorrow, and always.

Grandma is...

My grandmother has taken a turn for the worse and the doctors say it is a matter of time.  She has lived the best 92 years anyone could imagine and if the time is near, then let it be.  God knows when He needs us and even though she will be missed, she will be at peace.  I will be back to blogging as soon as I can, but for now, please send up some prayers for grandma and a little extra prayer for my family.

Grandma, Can You Hear Me?

Old. 3 letters, big impact.  I use to think people my age were old and now I know better, 44 is not old.  My grandma is 92, that's old.  My mother is 68, slightly old.  (Oh, they would be pissed if they knew I posted their ages for all to see, lol).  

My grandma is fading away, she won't admit it, but we can see it.  Her day to day is not what it use to be, she just sits and waits.  In my heart of hearts I know what she is waiting for, but we don't discuss it.  She is still the woman full of pride and would never admit defeat.  She is so filled with pride that she refuses to get a hearing aid, so we have to talk scream loudly when we need to tell her something.  This ends up in an argument because she gets mad when we yell.  If we use our indoor voices, she says what, what, WHAT??? By that time, what we needed to say has lost all meaning, so we make something else up just to make her think we didn't lose interest in talking to her.  We laugh a lot, not at her, just at the situation.  She gets mad, thinking we are making fun of her.  We talk about the hearing aid again, she pounds her fists and yells telling us she can hear.  Ok, grandma, whatever you say... She says, "what?".

This past week paramedics visited grandma who was dangerously close to a diabetic coma, she thinks she is fine.  We know she isn't.  My mother thinks she is getting better everyday, we know she is not.  The rest of us are watching the two matriarchs of our family live in a world that doesn't exist.  The world where everyone else is wrong.  We fight, a lot.  My sister fights more than I do, we feel guilty for not helping.  They won't let us.  They win the fights, so we don't call and we don't visit.

Old.  Something we will become one day.  Don't stop your family from loving you, don't keep them away, and accept help when you can no longer help yourself.  Are you listening?  Can you hear me?

Grandma's 91st Birthday July 2011 (she wouldn't let us take pictures this year).

Facebook Made Me Cry or Parents Make Us Cry (even at my age)

Facebook is a great thing, until someone posts something political, controversial, religious.. you get my drift.  More marriages and friendships have ended due to Facebook then due to the old reasons, money and jealousy.  I know this because I have lost a whole slew of friends because of Facebook, but that is a story for another day.


My father (who is FB illiterate) periodically ventures onto the network and it is ALWAYS at the wrong time.  I posted a political cartoon, a very funny political cartoon, knowing that some of my friends would jump on that very quickly, I even knew who would be the first to comment.  I was right and we had a good time laughing back and forth.  I will only say that it had to do with the decision today and the entire post has now been deleted from my page.


My father jumped in on this bandwagon (the last time he was on FB was a month ago!), but for the wrong reasons.  You see, daddy is very opinionated, and he wants to make his point.  He made his point, but he made it in a way that sounded like he was directly against me, his little girl.  I was ok with it, I really was.  I called him and jokingly said that I was going to have to delete him from my FB, because he was making me look bad.  I have to say that it was a harsh comment and after talking arguing with him about it, I started to cry hysterically because of one sentence that I didn't realize was there.  When he heard me, he started crying too, and kept saying he was sorry, over and over again.  I told him I was deleting the whole thing, so it was going to be okay, but he has to learn how to read everything he is going to comment on before he makes this mistake again.  At this point, I was incoherent, I really let this get to me.  I was so hurt and I know it was killing him that he brought me to tears.  He apologized, I could barely hear him he was crying so much and he said goodbye and hung up.


I called my sister, read her what he wrote, she couldn't believe I was crying so much (I am normally the strong one and I rarely let things get to me), so she got pissed that this happened.  Now I had to keep her from calling him and starting a fight.  Hindsight and all that, I should have just deleted it and never said anything, but I too, had to make a point, I guess.  This is just a big mess and all because of Facebook!!!  


This is why FB has added the features they have, like blocking some of what you post from certain people, so families and friends stay that way!  I am just going to go to sleep and let it be in the past, I love my daddy and I don't want to let anything get in the way of the rest of our time together.